It is hard to imagine why anyone would decide to end up in the situation where they would take their own life, and create the ultimate full stop in their life script. In my experience it mainly happens when the pain exceeds resources for coping with the pain.
As a therapist, and as a person, I have seen and experienced times when looking into the black pit has seemed the only realistic and right option. The forces that decide whether or not we decide to fall into the pit, or fly to the clouds, are often magical and beyond the normal sphere of our understanding.
When we become what is described as “clinically depressed”, it is as though a black cloud spreads, engulfs, suffocates, and seeps over you, within, and into everything that is you. It saps every possible hope and the possibility that there could be any point in any present and any future. At that point, there is no meaning, and no energy in anything, or for any situation.
When standing outside of such a mindset, it can seem silly or stupid. People say things like “pull yourself together” or “don’t be so stupid”. Inside such an emotion, it is the moment when there is no point, no more energy, and death becomes a positive alternative to life, the idea that in death there are no problems.
Gary I did not know you, I know my son and brother in law watched you and admired your talent. I do not know the emotional forces that took you to this point. I want to say that, in my opinion even now, you are not alone. That life, in whatever form, goes on, and that there is no ending, just as there is no beginning, there is never an end. May all the forces of the universe be with you and hold your heart at this time of your ultimate hurt. My thoughts, prayers and hopes are with you and yours.
For me, life is a journey that goes beyond individual incarnations; we are all, one now and forever.