I find that I have two opposing sides. The cynical side of me is saying, “My God, people get married everyday, so why all the fuss?” The media are hyping it up and making as big a deal out of it as they possibly can, must be good advertising revenue. The positive emotional side of me is saying, “Wow, how good is that, a positive moment for us all to focus on”. You get the picture?
In reality, the Royal Wedding can become a focus for goodwill, and is a good chance for the population to tune into a positive mindset. In reality, anytime that people come together either as groups, countries, religions, political parties and so on, it is always a good thing. People coming together, and staying together in harmony equals peace and happiness, long may it live.
For any group, or country, or couple, to come together and stay together, they need to fit together. Sometimes a fit is perfect, so that each partner is able to get their needs met in full. For most of us the fit is partial, and to make up for the bits that do not fit with our partner, we need compromise and self-development. In a good relationship, the partners are each involved in their own personal development and relationship development that enables them to grow together. Couples that fail to grow together usually end up growing apart.
The word “tessellate” means to fit together perfectly. The Victorian hallways and lobbies with intricate tiled patterns are tessellated. The pieces of a jigsaw are tessellated. And the perfectly joined couple are tessellated. The idea of marriage suggests a tessellation of two people living as one, together, like the idea of finding your other half.
I first came across the wider use of word “marry” when I was working on a building site as a labourer in my teenage. We would create walls with sockets where the floor joist would fit or “marry up”. When we joined things together, like building extensions, the new work was required to “marry” to the existing building to create architectural harmony.
I think that a couple work best when they are tessellated, and marry to each other, even if they are not traditionally married through a ceremony. In my psychotherapy work, I see enough examples of couples who, though traditionally married, do not marry up to each other, they are not tessellated and do not fit together. The question is, “can they?” The answer is always “yes”, with the proviso that they have to want to; this is “the Work”, this is the self-development.
The thing about the tiles in the Victorian hallway is that they fit together and will always fit together because the tiles are fixed and immoveable. People are not tiles, they are not fixed, they are, forever, moving, changing and developing. This means that if a couple wish to remain tessellated they must move, adapt, and grow together, or else the tessellation will be lost and they will no longer fit together.
On Friday we will witness the elaborate marriage of Kate and William. Although they will be married, only time will tell if they “marry up” and are “tessellated”. If they can grow and develop together, they surely will. The recent example of the royal marriage of William’s mother showed what happens when people are not tessellated.
Kate and William seem to marry well; they look tessellated, like they fit together. Unlike Diana and Charles, they present as easy with each other, a good sign.
What about you? Who are you tessellated with? Does your relationship, or relationships, grow move and develop, or are they fixed and brittle? My advice to William and Kate would be look after each other and give, if each is giving then each will receive and be looked after. What would your advice be?
There was a woman on the TV this morning bemoaning her fate and saying how lucky Kate was to be a commoner, but marrying into Royalty. Perhaps if we look at our partners in a different ways, they too will become our prince or princess, and we will also be Royalty.
Perhaps our positive response to Kate and Will’s wedding would be to share with our partners how good they make us feel and what a prince or princess they are to us.
So to Princess Rie, my wife and partner in life, I would like to say, “Thank you for being you, you are my princess, let’s have a right royal weekend!”