Read More ...
Homepage 
Blog
BlogWhat are you waiting for?
Posted on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 0 comments so far
ShareThisYour chance to ask questions
Posted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 0 comments so far
You can’t have one without the other
Posted on Monday, August 10, 2009 0 comments so far
Moving on when your partner has an affair
Posted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009 0 comments so far
Moving on when your partner has an affair
This blog is written in response to a question sent in by a client:
“Sean, can you explain to me why it is that two years after my husband had an affair, it is as real to me as if it happened yesterday, but for him it is over and done with. I even find myself in the position where he tells me that it is me that has the problem and that I need to get over it, but can’t seem to let it go; help!”
Well, there are many levels on which to look at this, so I’ll try a few. It is true that men and women are different and there are physiological, sociological and psychological reasons for this.
Physiology
The main difference between a man and a woman is not what we can see about bodies, it is the hidden stuff, it is the brain. Before I go any further, I should explain that it is not as simple as talking about a male and female brain as there is a crossover, some men have female brains and some women have male brains but, as a general principle, it is a useful way of looking at the gender issue.
The brain
We know that the brain has two hemispheres or halves. The right side is to do with the emotional, intuitive side of the person and controls the left-hand side of the body. The left-hand side of the brain is to do with cognitive function and action and controls the right-hand side of the body. As a general rule, if you simply watch men and women standing, the men will incline slightly to the right and women to the left, though as I said before, there is a crossover. In the ancient science of Mudra body language, the person will lean towards the psychological space that is dominant within them. So that when the female, intuitive, receptive side of the system is operating, the person will lean to the left, and when the masculine, cognitive, active side of the system is operating, the person will lean to the right.
The corpus callosum
The two hemispheres of the brain are connected by a bunch of tissues called the corpus callosum. This tissue allows communication between the two halves of our self and simply, the greater the amount of tissue, the greater the ability to make connections or to multi-task. Now, it will surprise many women that in the female brain there is a huge amount of tissue in the corpus callosum. One of my teachers described this as: in the female brain, the connections are like a busy eight-lane motorway with traffic rushing back and forth in the rush hour, while in the male brain, the density of tissue can be so poor, it is more like a pissed drunkard wandering home up a windy, country lane on a winter’s night.
Male & female role development
This has huge implications for how men and women function in both thinking and feeling. From an evolutionary point of view, the function of men and women was very different. The female ability to make many connections and multi-task enabled the building of the nest, setting up home, dealing with the encampment, the children, the extended family, neighbours, as well as cooking, cleaning and making clothes, etc, etc, etc. Now the roll of the male was to either defend the family and home, or to go out and hunt to bring back the bacon or mammoth or whatever else was on the menu. It would make sense that to complete this task, you would need a brain that could keep you on task, focus on one thing at a time and not become distracted. A hunter would not be a lot of good if he took his eye off the backside of the animal he was chasing to admire the beauty of a particular flower he had just run past.
The slow pace of evolution
We often see ourselves as sophisticated and evolved, but really the man, who, two hundred years ago, was driving a horse and cart, is essentially no different to the man driving the supersonic jet. The inner evolution moves at a slower pace than that of physical, material change. There is very little difference in men and women, their functions and their roles, now, than there was ten thousand years ago. Again, I need to reinforce that there is a crossover, and in gay and lesbian couples, there also tends to be the same distinction between the multi-tasker and mono-tasker.
Back to the question
The female in the question obviously has a high level of connectivity. The experience of her husband having an affair has, did, and continues to, affect every part of her existence. The downside of high connectivity is that the ability to make an association is enhanced, so that the wronged woman will watch her man differently each time she sees him look at another women, or say certain things or laugh at certain jokes, she will form associations in her mind that make it difficult for her to let it go, to a point where everything can continually remind her of the affair.
The man, on the other hand, is using a classic male brain. The task, the affair, is over, job done, just like the mammoth, on to the next one. Because there is no connection, the spent affair does not even appear in his conscious thoughts; it is done, finished and gone. For the person with this type of brain, it all moves very quickly, time passes and last week can seem a long time ago. So an affair that is two years old doesn’t even get a look in.
Letting go
So, how do you move on? Well, some people simply do not, they never get over their partner being unfaithful and even if the relationship comes to a close, they can take the negative associations into subsequent relationships. Those of you that have read my books, attended my therapy sessions or been on my courses will know that, as far as I am concerned, we can only live in the present when we let go of the past, and if we never get into the present, we will never create the future that we desire. So letting go of the negative past is vital to our emotional and psychological health.
Writing it down
Letting go means forgiveness. But in forgiveness, we are not telling the other person that what they did is ok. In forgiveness, we”‘forego” any desire for retribution. We are saying to the person, “What you did is your stuff. The effect that it had on me is my stuff and I now choose to let go of those effects; I don’t want them and I don’t need them.” Often these things are best said in a letter because they are not an invitation to interaction; they are a statement of intent and action. However, this is often the letter that you never send, though having written it, you may choose to destroy it as the ritualistic part of letting go.
So for this client, there needs to be some acceptance of the male nature of her husband’s brain and his subsequent attitudes and behaviours. You cannot make a guinea pig bark, they simply don’t do it, and equally, we cannot make people change.
So is change possible?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is yes, but only if the person to wants to change, though it will take a long time. There is evidence now that the actual brain structure of people that meditate on a daily basis is denser than those that do not, and that this effect happens over time with practice. The point is that to change, the person needs to be able to see that change is possible and also desirable. Often the attitude will remain one of, “You need to get over it”, because that is the way that the male brain sees it.
So ladies, when your man leaves his socks and beer glass by the sofa as he wanders off to bed leaving the lights on, it might not mean that he is an insensitive sod, more that he is limited in his awareness by his male brain and lack of connectivity; give him a break, he may be wicked at killing mammoths. When it comes to the unfaithfulness of the male brain, you have to decide what it is that you want to make your emotional investments in, and what you believe in.
When we say that a man is in touch with his feminine side, we are saying that he has a greater density of tissue in his corpus callosum and is, therefore, able to make multiple connections; that is the basis of sensitivity and understanding.
I hope that makes some sense of the situation, if not the decision, that will in this case, I suspect, need to be made.
If you have an issue that you would like me to comment on in the Talk2Sean, Psychology for Your Soul, slot, drop me an email and I’ll see what we can do.
Take care, love those around you and drop by Friday for Ludens, the Third level of love.
Sean x
Read More ...
1
Recent Posts
Tags
television, positive paradigm happiness life tolerance negativity sean networking sun twitter quest the secret relativity facebook courage vision divorce self esteem death talk2sean family seasons law of allowing gratitude thanks sean it's friday you tube travel self-love michael jackson bbc charity health mountains for Mia control touch sex care Mia Austin intolerance reflexology love stress help time sport law of attraction home monday, monday focus, relaxation, focus anxiety positive detox cbt mereseyside communiucation mind bank prayer friday fun separation materialism clairvoyant mediums change karma spring competition music buddhal affiar 10 Steps roots video newsletter fear spirituality river wirral massage playing rape journey light monkey TED bullies peace memory work money disaster body inspiring bullying psychology for your soul, wednesday, manners, respect, privacy, digital world, networking,
Comments
Post has no comments.