What do you really want? Willpower 1

Talk to Sean - Willpower One

What do you really want?

In my career as a psychotherapist, I have spent my life talking to thousands of people as clients who want to know how to change. The changes that they seek may be in what they think, feel or do. In the main, these people fall into two definite categories: those that can find the inner resources to enact the change and those that either cannot get started or give up and fail to achieve what it is that they want. The difference between the two groups is that the first have willpower and the second do not. But what is this willpower, where does it come from and how can we develop it?

Many teachers and coaches tell us that we need willpower, but very few of them seem to be able to tell us where we might find it. Over this month of March, I want to have a look at these issues and see if we can begin to understand what is going on. The first point about willpower is that we need to have somewhere to go, something to do, something to have willpower about. Often this is the first hurdle. Most people seem to lack willpower or motivation because they do not know what they want to do or where they are going. They do not have a goal. Therefore they have no willpower because they have nothing to have willpower about.

So question number one is, “What is your goal?” What is your purpose? What are you motivated to do?

Now, if you find yourself lying in bed when those around you are getting on with it, chances are that you do not have a goal. If you find yourself feeling that you do not like the life that you do have, but do not have clue what sort of life you would like, then you do not have a goal. If you find yourself unhappy about life and that you know that you need to change and you might even have a vague idea like “I just want to be happy”, then you still do not have a goal.

Sometimes the only way that we find our goal, that we find what we really do want, is by looking at what we do not want. Jack Canfield does a natty little diagram in one of his books using a ‘T’ table. By drawing on a piece of A4 so that the line runs down the middle and on either side at the top of the ‘T’ you right “Don’ts” on the left hand side and “Do’s” on the right hand side. On the left hand side, write a list of all the things that you don’t want.

When you have finished it, look at your list and write the opposite on the right hand side. It follows that, in almost every case, what you do want will be the opposite of what you don’t want. For example, if on the don’ts, you write, “I don’t want someone who snores” then you will know that in the do’s column, it is probable that you want someone who is not overweight, who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink too much and someone who is fairly fit. Do you get the idea? So by making a list of what you don’t want, what you do want becomes more obvious. It is from these sorts of exercises that you can begin to firm up ideas and goals.

A second way of approaching it is to write the eulogy that is being read out about you at your birthday party in ten year’s time. What is it that you want to hear, what would that person be saying about your achievements over that decade?

Unless you find a goal that you can begin to develop commitment to, you will never be able to find the willpower to make it happen, or make anything happen. Those that have willpower, have willpower with purpose; it is meaningful.

So, if you know what you don’t want, what do you really want?

Take care.

Sean x